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Jobless, unsupporting hubby. Should wife go for divorce?

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Imminent are not just professional commitments. Personal ones are just as important. In fact they are priority.

Kitty is married for 6 years and has 2 lovely children. But lately, she's run in to some marital problems and the effect - the dreaded "D=Divorce" thoughts are looming large in her head.

The main problem, according to her, is that her husband does not work. Furthermore, he is reluctant to look for it either.

Here's what she wrote to us...

Sender's name : Lost and Confused : Kitty
Sender's Email : (hidden)
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html

I have been married for almost 6 yrs and have 2 wonderful children. My Problem? I'm not happy anymore. My man doesn't work. He hardly tries to look for work and while I'm out working 40 hrs a week, he is sitting in front of the computer playing. I feel he doesn't take care of the children the way he should and doesn't take care of the house. We fight all the time over money, kids, and the house. I care about him but I don't want to be with him. I don't want to hurt the children and every time I have tried to talk to him about the way I feel he gets mad and blames me. Help because I don't know what to do. Should we get a divorce?

So this is her. Her frustration shows and she clearly is in need of some workable and practical ideas and advices from all of us. Let's help her rid of this problem if it can be helped.

Love Ladder speak:

Hi Kitty,
Thank you for your mail. We appreciate it.

we do not think this issue is unsolvable and therefore discourage you to think of divorce...yet. We advice professional counseling instead. It helps.

Your husband seems to have got used to his non working ways since he gets ready-money from you. A highly dangerous trend. We think it's time YOU stepped in as a true superhero and a dharam-patni and helped him in this. He needs help too.

Do the following:
1 - Don't make your conversations on these topics constantly. Be patient for now.
2 - Don't just make him look for a job....YOU help him too. You shoot off his Resume to professional agencies to get him one and pursue it religiously till he gets one.
3 - Be sure to accompany him to his Interviews (this is important).
4 - Work out a generous time frame and a serious plan by which you both may workout all issues that need to be worked upon.

The 'not taking care of the children and house' are just ugly results of him not working and his hurt pride. In the end - We completely believe once he gets a job..all your worries will be over.

In this case..."In his happiness lies yours."

Best of luck.
Love Ladder.

Love Ladder Visitors.....your turn to help the lady in distress. Tell her your thoughts. She needs all the advice, support and love she can get from you. Let's all come together and help her move up the ladder of Marital bliss, happiness and smiles !!!


Sheens said...

Sorry about being harsh, but its time you kicked your husband out of the house!
That is the only way you will get anywhere.


Anand said...

Hi Sheena, With due respect, I disagree. The solution to all problems in the world , this including, is open communication.

By kicking the husband out, all communication will stop and thus will close all ways of sorting this out. Don't u think so?

Tanvi said...

Hi Kitty..

I know the situation feels hopeless but believe it could be worse..I mean he very well cud HAVE been abusive and alcoholic...but he is not...which means this is a temporary phase..

I am sure if you both have been together for 6 years, that wasnt just because he was working.

I agree with the solution given by Loveladder already, but to add to it..Also speak to him. Maybe working 40 hrs a week is making you spend less time with him and he is just trying to get YOUR attention when he is feeling insecured..(Men behave very differently than women in these kind of situation)

Talk to him...I am sure there are reasons for his behaviour

ankita mehta said...

kitty, follow the advice of loveladder! infact true happiness lies in patch ups and not break ups!!! i know it's a dreadful situation but u know what u r so strong!! u personify real woman power!! And I know god helps those who help themselves!!!! Be strong and have faith in God!!!!
just follow what loveladder has said and wait and watch! if u see any positive changes we ll be glad if u inform us and if not well help you!Divorce has serious implications! don't think about that!!!! i ll pray for u kitty!!! u know what a tree who has the sweetest fruits are being stoned at and kicked the most! and u r not only the sweetest but the strongest!! Hope to see u smiling again and ur husband working!! wait and follow what loveladder said otherwise we shall see what we shall see!!!

Imp's Mom said...

I'm assuming a few things here, tht he used to work and has been laid off and that he is not a house husband.

Divorce should be your last option, after you have talked it out...esp with a professional counselor. It is definitely not an easy option, esp with the kids.

DO follow thru with the advice from the love ladder, try to, even if it is difficult...cause u really want to give it all, ur complete 100% (before u decide to divorce). U do not want to look back and say that hey u could have tried it and maybe things would have changed. Believe me, u do not want to be thinking that way.

Now if he has been a house husband, maybe he is tired of playing that role and wants to get out of the house...

Either ways, talking is going to help and professional counseling seems to be the way, simply cause the third person is unbiased.

Aaarti said...

Hi Kitty

Am not married, but just thought i'll share my thoughts with you on this!!

1. Does he like being at home? kinda like a house husband?

2.Have you always worked or did you start working post his stay at home ?

3. His bouts of anger could be cos he feels useless or not in control of his life .. A man can never just sit back and let the woman rule the roost, its an inherent issue for them!!

4. Do you still love him?
if you dont want to be with him anymore only cos he is at home and a slob, then you need to rethink about it... talk to him, slowly.. dont push it..dont badger...!! let him know you would like to put your feet up, chill a bit and it would be nice if he was doing the bread earners' role...!!

However i will tell you dont think you cant divorce cos of the kids.. that would be stupid!! your earning, you sound independent and as long as you are sure that you can manage and make it on your own, go with your heart!!

All the best!!Good luck

Anonymous said...

I think I am going to go off the normal route here. I am sure you have done the usual before writing to LL. Try counselling, but honestly don't think one must take such things in this day and age. As Imp's mom says do whatever you must so that you don't regret not having taken all steps required to save the "marriage" but please do not compromise on the basics. You earn, you are capable - you can take care of your kids. I don't think you need a loser of a husband unless he is really willing to mend his ways and act on it.
Wishing you the very best whatever decision it is you take. :)

Anand said...

Tanvi - ur rite. It sure seems a temporary phase.

Ankita - thanx for the prayers. I'm sure Kitty appreciates that.

Imp's mom - A 3rd person is usually unbiased. ur rite.:-)

Anand said...

Aarti - The answers to your ur questions would def. bring clarity. Ur advice certainly makes sense.

Myheadtrip - No compromising on basics. Agreed and appreciated.

ani_aset said...

I think if you talk to him to seek professional help he'll be mad at you. The case seems sensitive to me, i dont know how, but first you have to win his trust(i'm not sayin he doesnt trust you, but trust needed to make him realise that he needs counselling). Once he is assured, and accepts that there is a problem with him...rest all suggestions that you see here becomes easier. God bless you. Try prayers, ask him also to join you..it helps

Anand said...

Ani...Well said. U r right to the point.
Be a visitor, u r welcome here. :-)

ani_aset said...

i already am following anand..you are doing a real good job ..i would like to be regular at trying to help on here

Anand said...

Hey Ani, that's encouraging. In that case, You can be one of the admins of this blog. I would only be happy about it. Let me know.

Let everybody know about this blog. The intention being one of clean and pure intentions of helping each other out.

ani_aset said...

sure i can try. but you need to help me..because you seem to be doing it very professionally. i'm not that good

Anand said...

Ani...No Worries, I'll help. Be an Author. Send me ur email id.

Doctor's Blog said...

Hi Kitty, its a very sensitive condition..u need to have patience n hope,1st of all..u have been with him since last 6 years..that pretty long time..hav got 2 children even..
i just want u to b relaxed...dont get frustated over him..condition wil get worse..show ur love to him, not pitty so he can get encouraged! just tell him that this kinda situation comes in life of almost everyone..he needs to get out of it..bt convey ur msg lovingly ..dont get angry.
i think, he will realise and will do his best.
If u get divorce, u wont have ny way back! so plz be optimistic as break up is not the only solution! Have a very nice n lovely future..my wishes n prayers are with u..God bless!

Anand said...

Well put Doc. Optimism and patience is the way out.
Be a regular Doctor's blog. U r welcome here.

Dr.Bhavika Patel said...

i will b regular guest as i lik to talk abt such topics...u r doin a gr8 job indeed...keep it up!

Anand said...

Thanx doc. It's not just me. It's all of US who are trying and doing our bit.

Aaarti said...

Any news from the lady???? Hows she doing???

Anand said...

Aaarti, She did a goof up. She sent me a personal mail instead of putting it here....thanking all of us for taking our time out and advising and suggesting her on this issue. She's gonna try out a mix of our advices and see how it goes frm there.

At the end of it all though, She's SMILING. Mission accomplished. :-)

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