Tweet Me - this post might help someone.
April was the month of Child Sexual Abuse Awareness. Loveladder was concerned and therefore played a tiny hand in it. We hope it reaches the masses in a more informed way.
This is another month though. We received a troubled email that instantly put us back into 'trouble in paradise' solving mode. Shahid asked questions that had him stumped and thinking.
Shahid told us the following: (Edited version since the email was lengthy)
Sender's name : Shahid
Sender's Email : [Hidden]
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html
Hello,
I am 35, male and married since one year. I am highly educated but presently working in a temporary position. My wife is physically less attractive but educated and working. Her job is slightly better than mine at present.
Before marriage I had a few matrimonial offers of girls who were good looking. When the talks of our marriage were being finalized there were two proposals I had liked of good looking/educated girls but my parents said this girl (my present wife) is good for me. I sometimes feel bad that they refused the offers that I had liked. I keep thinking about this and therefore I am not able to give 100% to my relationship.
Adding to this, we live separately and meet only every other 2-3 months.
My in-laws are not very much educated. My in-laws repeatetdly force my wife to quit her job though I'm in favor of her working and progressing in her career. My in-laws keep commenting on my temporary job status. When I say something about this to my wife, she gets angry and we fight.
Now these fights are increasing. Most of the time our fights are due to interference of my in-laws.
My questions are:
* Is physical beauty important in marriage?
* How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?
* Should I take divorce from my wife and search for another suitable girl?
* How should I tackle the unnecessary interference of my in-laws?
* Should my wife quit her job and come with me?
Help me. Thanks.
Love Ladder Speak:
Dear Love Ladder visitors, we believe Shahid's questions reflect a common thought among those who have had arranged marriages. The New India progresses ahead in step with the new world with new thoughts and horizons, yet we somehow remain attached with the colors of an era that slowly fades. We still believe in arranged marriages and give it precedence in comparison to Love marriages.
It's finally on each one of us to decide. Let's try and answer Shahid's questions for he asks for our understanding, logic and help. Let's help him ease his mind and help him climb up the ladder of mind-peace.
8 comments:
Here are answers to ur questions from m point of view..
* Is physical beauty important in marriage?
A.Not at all.. if ur partner is faithful and caring towards u.. Inner beauty is more important.
* How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?
A.Parents should keep their son's choices in mind, coz it's he who's getting married.but now that u r married, u should not be thinking about past, and try to make ur present better.
* Should I take divorce from my wife and search for another suitable girl?
A.If u think that the situation is too worsened to tackle by u, u can, but not a good idea.
* How should I tackle the unnecessary interference of my in-laws?
A. When the women earns more than the husband, there always comes the 'ego' factor. If the husband doesn't think so, he's made to think that way by people, like ur in laws in ur case. U have to told them, that their daughter is now ur responsibility, no more theirs, and u both earn, no big deal.. They could not force their decision on u or ur wife.
* Should my wife quit her job and come with me?
A.It's totally her choice. Don't force ur decision on her, and don't let anybody else do the same. It's ur family, none in the whole world can intervene into it.And u both can live together, if u have good understanding among u.
Hope it helps.. Also, try to have some serious frank talk with ur wife, not complaining, but suggesting, accepting ur mistakes, and telling softly hers. Wishing u all the best!
First of all. Nice Site Love Ladder..looks wise n content wise.
Ok now..Shahid,no divorce etc unless it's really really crucial. Take responsibility. Bea man.
Fget the past. It means nothing. Look at the present n future. Think like a winner. Think this way - Wot can I really do to improve all this mess?
And if u get a clear answer..go for it.
As for ur inlaws - tell them..not to mess with your married life. If they still do, take legal help.
And lastly...bring ur wife home and really,genuinely, honestly..this time..start a true relationship with her. Treat her with respect like a wife deserves. Your life will surely improve.
Best of luck man. And u can follow my @Yeh_kya handle if u liked my advice. hehe. :)
Okay Dear Shahid I hope I have understood your problem and will try to sort it out if I could.
First of all forget that physical beauty is necessary for a happy married life..You should feel blessed if your partner cares and loves you.
Your next question-"How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?"
Shahid, one who lives in past never finds a path.What if u would have married a gal of ur choice n still have problems?? life is unpredictable ..isn't it??
It's better to sort out ur problems rather than cursing ur past.Divorce is not a solution.
Its great that ur wife is working.Encourage her, talk to her..it's better to sit, talk and sort out the whole issue..rather than fighting with each other..
Next, Don't let ur in laws interfere into ur relationship.
Wish you a great life ahead with ur wife..hope all ur problems wil be solved n u will be blessed with a happy married life..:) take cr.
Shahid,
* Is physical beauty important in marriage?
No it never was and never will be.
* How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?
You never know what would happen if something were done differently you might as well end up with the same situation now. And the only one to blame is yourself now.
* Should I take divorce from my wife and search for another suitable girl?
Have you tried to work it out? From what I understood you're not living together, well that's the first reason things are not working out, you guys have to be together in order to start building relationships together. First try, both of you. There are lots of books and info in the net about how to build the relationships, so try and if nothing works then consider a divorce.
* How should I tackle the unnecessary interference of my in-laws? Talk to them and ask them to let you build your marriage, explain to them that the only thing they can achieve by interfering is to bring you closer to divorce.
* Should my wife quit her job and come with me? She has to be with you it's the only way you can build the relationships there is no such thing as relationships on the distance.
Shahid, there is a certain meaning to the word 'commitment'. u will never be happy unless u learn to commit on certain things.
the comments you got for yourself so far are the best. Follow them. as for me..i'd like to tell you only one thing...
For the first time...think. Really THINK. And reach a wise decision. And once you have reached it and you know are right..then..let there be Rain or storm or holy hell on earth....you DO NOT CHANGE YOUR DECISION !!! if you can do that..u have done it.
As for your In laws...tell them to stay away n that u r wise enough to take care of things yourself.
Oh and get urself registered in Naukri.com..if u havent already.
Rishab, Yeh_kya, Anubha, Hanna...Thank you for your valuable comments and thank you for taking time out to help somebody in need. U guys are rite on.
You guys are most welcome in this space. :)
shahid, my comments are
* Is physical beauty important in marriage?
its a both yes and no. being humans after all, the mind does go before the heart at times.
* How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?
the bus has passed by, learn to move on. be happy with what you have.in your case, try to talk to your wife and tell her that its bugging you. she might just understand.
* Should I take divorce from my wife and search for another suitable girl?
this step should be taken only when you are convinced that all is lost..
* How should I tackle the unnecessary interference of my in-laws?
take it in one ear and out the other. if you go and say something, chances are that they will go ballistic, again.
* Should my wife quit her job and come with me?
this is totally up to you and her.
HI, new post? Good.
I think guys make the same mistake again and again. This person basically lost a chance to talk when he had the chance.
It's like you have already poured salt in milk and now cant do anything about it. But he should just try and make himself a bit strong. Not to listen to anybody,just do as he thinks which is legally right. After all, it is his life.
As for the wife....the best thing is to talk with her before making any decision so everything is amicably resolved.
best of luck.
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