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Another chosen email, another story.
Isn't it strange how apprehensiveness is a survival trait in hostile land but stomach-churning in friendly??
Riya sent a mail to Love Ladder describing just that - her apprehensiveness.
She is seemingly a bit stressed about her future in the new house. She has made a few observations there that she would like us to know. We think she wants our opinion on it.
Here's her email to us - word for word -
Sender's name : Riya
Sender's Email : [Hidden]
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html
"I have recently entered into an arranged marriage. I mean I am not engaged, just fixed into one. My to-be fiancee is very close to his family, especially his mother. I used to like that quality, because he respects my family a lot too. But yesterday, something happened where I realized that if he has to chose between something I want and if his mom doesn't like it...he will support his mom.
I know its probably too early for me to react, but i m afraid that I would be left alone in the family since they all are very close. What if i end up becoming a housewife.. (i m a career woman) because his mom wants me to be one..and he cant take a stand for me?"
So, that's her. What do you think?
Love Ladder Speak :
Dear Riya,
Thank you for your mail to us. We appreciate it.
What you have described is famously known as 'pre-marriage anxiety'. There are a lot of 'What Ifs' in your thoughts. They should subside once you get used to your new way of life.
Here's how it is - Unless you jump into the water, u'll never learn to swim. So do that with a positive attitude.
Learn to be sweetly diplomatic (in a good way of course) in such a way that all are satisfied. Some adjustments, some tweaking is always required and that is an on-going process but we are sure you'll be able to handle that. Nothing to fear.Lastly, think about professional counseling, if need be. It helps. Our sincere wishes for your marriage. Best of luck. Stay happy and remember us. :-)
Well, so everybody - Riya is looking at US (Love ladder visitors) for some help. Let our advices and opinions be a gift for her new married life. Lets get her smiling and back up on the Ladder of faith and trust.
9 comments:
hey riyaa..
i can understand how confused you are with all your unanswered questions and thoughts. its just simple.. if you doubt that this guy wouldnt be able stand for you then you should talk to him before marriage.. coz there is no point cribbing after marriage. these are little things we can sort before tying the knot...SIMPLE... find some time bring the topic and tell him you are very ambitious and you need somebody who trust and supports you. Its like this Riya. strongly beleive that anything can be sorted if you ve the passion to it...so just TALK TO HIM.. NOTHING LIKE IT...BUT u know how to handle him na.... and by the way never say anything negative about his mother... support his mother and talk..( this should be ur technique) :-).. lemme know...take care and all the best....
Hey Anju... that's gud advice. Except...seems Riya doesn't yet know her to-be hubby's reaction when she tells him her heart. He might already be the supportive kind.
A lot of Ifs, don't u think??
Dats wat dear dat u shuld open up and talk to him in a way to make him understand that she is scared about this fact... clear it before they get married thats all. v all take a chance WHY?... dont keep it for later just do it now... simple.. jst bring the topic casually and talk. its always good to create such a relationship ...a relationship wer u can TALK AND FIND A SOLUTION.. :-)rather than cribbin and repending later ..wat say?????????? ;-)
hey Riya, anju has got it bang on... talking it out before ur marriage is the best thing...and say it without fear... if ur worried about your parents reaction, have a chat with them too... Its ur life, ur happiness at stake here..and I'm sure they will listen and understand. Just remember to have a calm, logical and a practical discussion, however difficult it might seem.
Good Luck.
Riya, Here's the truth about Indian men - They love their moms. Period. AND they are generally fair to their wives as well.
Here are 2 secret words Im letting you know for your marriage to work. Those words are "CLEAR COMMUNICATION".
Meaning....always communicate wots on ur mind and do it clearly. Clear your mind immediately. The moment u try to keep things from telling that's causing you problems - you're in for bad times.
Lastly - Since ur goin in their house and it's not vice versa..try and adapt and try and blend in. Shud do wonders. :-)
I think u should have an open talk wid ur fiance before marraige.... tell him about your fears, ur choice in making a career and other issues that u think might come up..
Certain issues can even be discussed at a family discussion if his family is open to it.. especially about ur career..
Nothing better than an open talk..so later you will not regret..
Wish you all the best...:)
I think you should speak to him.
Sometimes Indian men think they must 'obey' their mothers even after they are adults and married, and sometimes they might except the wife to do the same, this is still fine if the mother is matured and encourages the boy to be independent, but it cam become extremely difficult if she does not agree with something you wish to do, and he sides with her.
Some decisions are best taken by the person concerned. Don't take permission for everything, but be very polite about it. Like instead of asking "May I work?", Say, "I plan to work, so I was wondering if this job would be good/will it be too much travel time (etc)..."
Many times Indian men are raised to be obedient sons not supportive husbands, be vary of such a relationship, life in such a family can be very difficult even for a most 'obedient' girl.
Will you be living in a joint family? Do not try to be too 'obedient' and too eager to please - just be yourself. They should see you as you really are - many times we feel we can change ourselves, but it is not easy. Joint families can be difficult for girls because they might feel isolated, so a husband who understand this and goes out of his way (only he can do this) to help you feel like yet another equal member is important. You may like to read htis advice to Husbands by Unmana. If he feels guilty in showing respect and affection to his wife, warning bells should ring. Respect, love, caring has to be mutual.
http://www.unmana.com/2009/09/in-law-advice-what-wives-should-do.html
Well put Indian Home Maker.
Those are the golden rules...if followed...will most definitely result into happy times.
Ria,
What do you want? How much are you ready to let go? What do you expect from yourself? And how are you going to tackle everything? Are you ready to face all that you would come across?
I ask the above questions for a reason. Even if you spoke to your guy open-mindedly at this point, I wonder if the situation would be the same later. You never know. What he says today might not hold good later in life.
Marriage- yes, its all about compromises, sharing, caring, social responsibility too. You just need to handle them.
So- Handle it. If you mess it, FIX it..
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