Oh No! My Parents chose a wrong partner for me..

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Hi folks,

April was the month of Child Sexual Abuse Awareness. Loveladder was concerned and therefore played a tiny hand in it. We hope it reaches the masses in a more informed way.

This is another month though. We received a troubled email that instantly put us back into 'trouble in paradise' solving mode. Shahid asked questions that had him stumped and thinking.

Shahid told us the following: (Edited version since the email was lengthy)
Sender's name : Shahid
Sender's Email : [Hidden]
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html

Hello,
I am 35, male and married since one year. I am highly educated but presently working in a temporary position. My wife is physically less attractive but educated and working. Her job is slightly better than mine at present.

Before marriage I had a few matrimonial offers of girls who were good looking. When the talks of our marriage were being finalized there were two proposals I had liked of good looking/educated girls but my parents said this girl (my present wife) is good for me. I sometimes feel bad that they refused the offers that I had liked. I keep thinking about this and therefore I am not able to give 100% to my relationship.

Adding to this, we live separately and meet only every other 2-3 months.


My in-laws are not very much educated. My in-laws repeatetdly force my wife to quit her job though I'm in favor of her working and progressing in her career. My in-laws keep commenting on my temporary job status. When I say something about this to my wife, she gets angry and we fight.

Now these fights are increasing. Most of the time our fights are due to interference of my in-laws.

My questions are:
* Is physical beauty important in marriage?
* How I can keep away from thoughts that I lost out on my early marriage proposals and are my parents to blamed?
* Should I take divorce from my wife and search for another suitable girl?
* How should I tackle the unnecessary interference of my in-laws?
* Should my wife quit her job and come with me?

Help me. Thanks.

Love Ladder Speak:
Dear Love Ladder visitors, we believe Shahid's questions reflect a common thought among those who have had arranged marriages. The New India progresses ahead in step with the new world with new thoughts and horizons, yet we somehow remain attached with the colors of an era that slowly fades. We still believe in arranged marriages and give it precedence in comparison to Love marriages.

It's finally on each one of us to decide. Let's try and answer Shahid's questions for he asks for our understanding, logic and help. Let's help him ease his mind and help him climb up the ladder of mind-peace.

Read On >> Oh No! My Parents chose a wrong partner for me..

Beauty vs Goodness - Take your pick..

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Choosing a life partner. Now that's a job.

Well, here's Parvej. He wrote to us saying he is about to get married to a girl chosen by his parents...(read arranged marriage). Parvej says that the girl chosen by his parents is good but not as beautiful as he would like his 'to be bride' to be.

Well, here's the groom to be in his own words :

Sender's Name : Parvej
Sender's Email : [hidden]
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html

"I have some confusion while choosing life partner, My parents has found one life partner for me, but i have some confusion to select her. Actually her behaviour is good, she is well educated and everything is good but she is not pretty (not beautifull) that is the reason confusing me to select life partner. My parents like her very much. but my only problem is she is not beautiful. so plz suggest me to take a decsion.
So, I am expecting your suggesion on that.. please reply me.. it is very important for me..."

So that was Parvej. Apparently, he means to say that his bride needs to be good looking over good manners and behaviour. So now the age old million dollar question to answer is this ---> what is better - Good looks + good/bad behaviour OR Decent average looks but good manners/behaviour ?? That really is a toughie.

Love ladder speak:
Dear Parvej,
Thank you for writing in. we appreciate it. Kindly let others know about us.
Ok now, we know your query and we understand the confusion you face.
Here's a fact first:
Nobody is beautiful to everybody. By the same logic, nobody is ugly to everybody either. In other words - everybody is average, in terms of statistics. :)
Beauty is not just one thing but a combination of heart, head, brains, nature, behaviour, words and lastly skin. A wise guy about to get married would choose everything in that list. Why do you want to choose only one (skin)? Be a wise man and choose all. It's your life ka sawaal.
Make a positive approach to the girl chosen by your parents and ask her the questions on how she would deal with things in your and her daily life on daily average things. Make your judgement by the answers she gives and you will know.
Don't forget to send us the wedding invite. ;->
Best of luck.
Love Ladder.

Calling all Love Gurus - what's your say? Parvej is asking for your advices and suggestions. He seems confused on the choice of his life partner. Go ahead, tell him how it should be. Let's help him make this crucial decision on the marriage rung of the ladder of his life. Over to you dear readers. :-)

Read On >> Beauty vs Goodness - Take your pick..

Jobless, unsupporting hubby. Should wife go for divorce?

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Imminent are not just professional commitments. Personal ones are just as important. In fact they are priority.

Kitty is married for 6 years and has 2 lovely children. But lately, she's run in to some marital problems and the effect - the dreaded "D=Divorce" thoughts are looming large in her head.

The main problem, according to her, is that her husband does not work. Furthermore, he is reluctant to look for it either.

Here's what she wrote to us...

Sender's name : Lost and Confused : Kitty
Sender's Email : (hidden)
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html

I have been married for almost 6 yrs and have 2 wonderful children. My Problem? I'm not happy anymore. My man doesn't work. He hardly tries to look for work and while I'm out working 40 hrs a week, he is sitting in front of the computer playing. I feel he doesn't take care of the children the way he should and doesn't take care of the house. We fight all the time over money, kids, and the house. I care about him but I don't want to be with him. I don't want to hurt the children and every time I have tried to talk to him about the way I feel he gets mad and blames me. Help because I don't know what to do. Should we get a divorce?

So this is her. Her frustration shows and she clearly is in need of some workable and practical ideas and advices from all of us. Let's help her rid of this problem if it can be helped.

Love Ladder speak:

Hi Kitty,
Thank you for your mail. We appreciate it.

we do not think this issue is unsolvable and therefore discourage you to think of divorce...yet. We advice professional counseling instead. It helps.

Your husband seems to have got used to his non working ways since he gets ready-money from you. A highly dangerous trend. We think it's time YOU stepped in as a true superhero and a dharam-patni and helped him in this. He needs help too.

Do the following:
1 - Don't make your conversations on these topics constantly. Be patient for now.
2 - Don't just make him look for a job....YOU help him too. You shoot off his Resume to professional agencies to get him one and pursue it religiously till he gets one.
3 - Be sure to accompany him to his Interviews (this is important).
4 - Work out a generous time frame and a serious plan by which you both may workout all issues that need to be worked upon.

The 'not taking care of the children and house' are just ugly results of him not working and his hurt pride. In the end - We completely believe once he gets a job..all your worries will be over.

In this case..."In his happiness lies yours."

Best of luck.
Regards,
Love Ladder.

Love Ladder Visitors.....your turn to help the lady in distress. Tell her your thoughts. She needs all the advice, support and love she can get from you. Let's all come together and help her move up the ladder of Marital bliss, happiness and smiles !!!

Read On >> Jobless, unsupporting hubby. Should wife go for divorce?

What if he sides with his family against me??

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Another chosen email, another story.

Isn't it strange how apprehensiveness is a survival trait in hostile land but stomach-churning in friendly??

Riya sent a mail to Love Ladder describing just that - her apprehensiveness.

She is seemingly a bit stressed about her future in the new house. She has made a few observations there that she would like us to know. We think she wants our opinion on it.

Here's her email to us - word for word -

Sender's name : Riya
Sender's Email : [Hidden]
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html

"I have recently entered into an arranged marriage. I mean I am not engaged, just fixed into one. My to-be fiancee is very close to his family, especially his mother. I used to like that quality, because he respects my family a lot too. But yesterday, something happened where I realized that if he has to chose between something I want and if his mom doesn't like it...he will support his mom.

I know its probably too early for me to react, but i m afraid that I would be left alone in the family since they all are very close. What if i end up becoming a housewife.. (i m a career woman) because his mom wants me to be one..and he cant take a stand for me?"

So, that's her. What do you think?

Love Ladder Speak :
Dear Riya,
Thank you for your mail to us. We appreciate it.

What you have described is famously known as 'pre-marriage anxiety'. There are a lot of 'What Ifs' in your thoughts. They should subside once you get used to your new way of life.

Here's how it is - Unless you jump into the water, u'll never learn to swim. So do that with a positive attitude.
Learn to be sweetly diplomatic (in a good way of course) in such a way that all are satisfied. Some adjustments, some tweaking is always required and that is an on-going process but we are sure you'll be able to handle that. Nothing to fear.

Lastly, think about professional counseling, if need be. It helps. Our sincere wishes for your marriage. Best of luck. Stay happy and remember us. :-)



Well, so everybody - Riya is looking at US (Love ladder visitors) for some help. Let our advices and opinions be a gift for her new married life. Lets get her smiling and back up on the Ladder of faith and trust.

Read On >> What if he sides with his family against me??

What if there's ANOTHER man ??

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Sender's name : Jane doe
Sender's Email : (Hidden)
Referrer : http://loveladder.blogspot.com/2009/05/contact-me_01.html


Jane sent a distress signal to Love Ladder. She pointed out a problem of mid wives that has become increasingly common lately. Interestingly though, this problem persists mainly in the metros or maybe women are openly talking about it.

Jane has been married for 8 years, has a 4 years old kid and unfortunately thinks she has lost love with her husband. Moreover, she has found potential love in a man 5 years younger to her.

Here is her email and the issue she faces in her own words.

"I have been married for 8 yrs. Am 30 wit a 4 yr old kid. Jus' a few months back I fell in love with a guy who is 5 yrs younger to me. I'm very confused. Dunno what I should make of this situation. I don't think I love my husband anymore. And I can't marry this guy. Since I can't deprive my kid of a father's love. What do I do?"

There. You heard her. She seems to be in distress. And it's time for Ladder visitors to jump to the rescue.

My word to Jane, " Thank you Jane, for letting Love Ladder know of your troubles. We believe sharing helps and we shall definitely try and help. I, the LL creator, am by no means an expert but I can suggest a few things...which I will - in the comment section.
But first - some good news for you. According to a research, an individual has capacity enough to love more than 1 person at a time. Take this positively and it's meaning will dawn on you. Meaning - The fact that you THINK you don't love your husband can be safely eliminated. You do have interest in your husband, only, the ball has rolled down from 'love' to 'like'. Quite alright. It's a ball - can be rolled back up. Smile.
I wish you luck. :-)"

Ok everybody, Jane's looking to us for help. Let's do our good deed with a smile and help her MOVE UP the Ladder of Love and out of confusion land.

Read On >> What if there's ANOTHER man ??